


rain is just the sky crying for you

by corvus_corvus



Series: LaviYuu Week 2018 [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, that's it really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 12:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14105604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvus_corvus/pseuds/corvus_corvus
Summary: The first time they kiss is also the first time Lavi cries in front of him.





	rain is just the sky crying for you

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for LaviYuu week 2018 Day 1. The prompts I ended up incorporating were rain, spring, growth, tears, and sorrow. I rated this work Mature because of the implied rape, a topic I think needs to be handled maturely, but the rest of this fic is mild and really gets like a G rating.

The first time they kiss is also the first time Lavi cries in front of him. 

There’s the gentle meeting of lips and the way Kanda presses Lavi so tight to his chest that he can feel Lavi’s heartbeat as clearly as he can feel his own, desperate to show his sincerity in the strength of his arms because words have never been his strong suit. But then Lavi leans back, stares directly into Kanda’s eyes, and his smile twitches on one side as tears start to fall silently down his cheeks. It’s a happy cry, but Kanda can’t help feeling a little panicked at this overflow of emotions when he has no clue how to handle them. Lavi makes it easy for him, though, because he just places his hands against Kanda’s face even as Kanda is still holding him, and laughs freely in a way that makes his eyes squinty as the tears keep running down his face. Kanda’s still nervous, but he smiles just a little bit in response, before it turns into a grimace as he notices the smile made Lavi both laugh and cry more. Lavi leans his face into Kanda’s neck, chest still shaking with laughter or sobs, and Kanda flinches when he feels how wet the face against his neck is. He closes his eyes, whispers into Lavi’s ear and smirks at his own sarcasm, “What am I going to do with you?” 

“Just love me, I guess,” he says with a smirk Kanda can feel as the lips curve up against his neck.  
___

The first time Kanda cries in front of Lavi is different. Lavi regards it as heartbreaking. Kanda just feels embarrassed. 

“I knew about the Second Exorcist Project, but I didn’t know that you,” Lavi pauses and tries to make eye contact, but Kanda avoids it, “Your name wasn’t on the list.” Kanda keeps his face turned away from Lavi, watching him talk in his peripheral. He watches the redhead sigh.

“No. It’s not.”

And he instantly feels a little guilty for directing his standard coldness at the first person in a long time who has bothered to care, but Kanda can’t seem to do anything else. Can’t seem to break the cycle. It’s how he copes at this point. Kanda feels his eyes water and is instantly furious at himself even as he is unsure what it is he is crying about.

He sees Lavi reach out toward him before pulling back. “Wait are you, are you crying? Oh shit, I’m sorry I—”

And Kanda breaks down. “You’re right. My name isn’t on there. It’s someone else’s. I’m supposed to be somebody else.” He closes in on himself, wrapping his arms around his chest, and tries to take quiet, deep breaths. 

“Can I do anything? Can I,” he brings his right hand up to the back of his neck, a nervous gesture, “can I hold you?” Kanda feels his heart jump at the way Lavi’s voice gets squeaky when he’s genuinely concerned and nods. “That was a yes, right?”

“Yes, you idiot.”

Lavi instantly wraps around him, squeezing him tight enough that he feels it when takes in a breath. Kanda can’t figure out why the restriction feels so comforting. “I just wanted to be sure, you know? I don’t want to screw things up or make you feel worse or do anything you are uncomfortable with. You matter so much, Yuu.”

Kanda cries harder.  
___

Everyone takes Lavi’s loud personality too seriously. Kanda knows this firsthand, because for all the noise and foolishness and flirting, Lavi is something else when you get him out of the public eye. Kanda’s not quite sure what to call this sad, thoughtful person when he appears, but he knows he likes it just as much as the joy Lavi radiates whenever Kanda reminds the redhead how much he loves him. This is the same person that gets nervous whenever Kanda tries to put a little tongue in their kiss or hold his hips a little bit closer. In all honesty, Kanda did not expect to be the one to lead their more sexual endeavors (if they can even be called that when Kanda can barely get the man to give him more than a kiss on the cheek after a year in this relationship). So when Lavi gets the jump on him one day, sitting on his lap and tugging at his hair and kissing him with a heat like nothing Kanda’s ever imagined, he’s just happy to go along. But something doesn’t feel right, a notion that is only confirmed by the way Lavi suddenly shivers in his arms. Pulling back, Kanda asks, “Are you okay?” Lavi assures him that it’s fine, he’s just cold and that maybe—he says this with a suggestive glance toward the bed—they should do something to heat things up. He smiles so sincerely that Kanda instantly knows it is a lie. 

“No, something’s wrong. This isn’t like you.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Explain.”

“There’s nothing too explain, Yuu, I don’t know what you’re—”

“You don’t have to do this. Don’t feel like you have to do this.” Lavi starts to shake again, and this time it becomes violent. His eyes widen, pupils constricting and all Kanda sees is the panic of a cornered animal. Suddenly it hits him, and Kanda remembers lingering, unwelcome thoughts from long ago. He glances to the side before working up the nerve to return eye contact. Quietly he begins, “You were a prisoner of war. I know what happens in those situations.” Kanda watches Lavi hold his breath. “I’m not the Noah. I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want it.” Kanda has long suspected this, but there’s something different, something concrete and final about saying it out loud and having it confirmed. Lavi looks blankly at him for half a second before he is sobbing. It fills the room, and Kanda just sits, suffocated by feelings of helplessness. He hopes it’s comforting.

Lavi uses his forearm to brush the bangs out of his eyes even as he heaves for breath. “I just want you to still want me. I don’t want you to think I don’t care or that I don’t love you. I don’t want you to get fed up and leave just because I can’t get over this stupid—”

Kanda cuts him off. “It’s not stupid.”

The cry Lavi lets out is ugly and broken and empty. Kanda just looks up at him, fantasizing about single-handedly gutting every Noah who ever dared look at Lavi for a moment too long. He doesn’t know what kind of pain would be enough to take revenge on the ones who actually touched him.

“I just want to move on, you know?” Lavi takes hiccupping breaths between sobs, and it obscures his words, yet Kanda hears enough.

Running his thumb across Lavi’s cheekbone, Kanda gets tears and snot all over his hand. He makes a point not to move away. “I do know,” Kanda says, and he means it.  
___

“I have to go.”

Kanda is already crying hot, furious tears by the time Lavi tells him this. Since when did it take so little to make him cry? “No you don’t,” he growls, barely keeping himself from turning their talk into a physical fight. At least that he’d know how to handle it. 

“Yuu, it shouldn’t be for long, I just have to get things sorted out so we both can be safe.” Lavi is being rational. It is a strange look on him. “I want to get on with our lives outside all this stupid stuff we’re stuck in. All this war. This is the first step.” 

“I don’t believe you,” Kanda says this with such raw emotion he barely recognizes his own voice. “You’re going to leave and not come back. I can see it.” He points angrily, accusingly. “Is this your plan? To get close to me and then leave?”

“No! I just need to—” is all Lavi can get out before Kanda stalks away.  
___

It’s early spring, but green is already covering the earth and a few wildflowers are in bloom. Kanda works in the small garden he’s developed; it’s a good way to meditate that doesn’t involve getting in fights. He sees motion out of the corner of his eye, so when he turns his head expecting to confront a nosy squirrel and instead sees bright red hair coming up the path, he freezes. It’s force of will that fuels his ability to continue pruning an overgrown shrub like nothing happened. He looks the definition of unperturbed even if he doesn’t feel it. 

Walking at a pace that implies purpose but no urgency, Lavi feels the tension for the half a minute it takes him to get within an arms length of Kanda. A moment passes silently and neither one acknowledges the other until Kanda stands and turns around, pruning shears in hand. Crossed arms, steady glare, blades in hand, the message is clear. Sheepish, Lavi bends down and picks up a daisy, twirling it in his grasp before brushing the petals against Kanda’s nose. With one hand on his hip, Lavi looks sincerely awkward as he pushes the flower to rest behind Kanda’s ear. His arms are still crossed, his mouth set in a furious scowl, but he still blushes even as he avoids Lavi’s gaze. He ‘hmphs’ for good measure. Lavi keeps his eyes fixed on the ground and wrings his hands speechlessly, yet there’s a communication within their quietude. Grey clouds hang above them, and Kanda thinks that it looks like it might rain.

“I’m still angry. I want to punch you.”

“That’s fair.”

“I get it though. You,” he swears internally, and Kanda can’t believe he’s about to say this. So he mumbles. “You were right. The more I think about it, the more I forgive you.”

Lavi gapes at him. 

Now that he’s started, Kanda’s afraid he can’t stop and the words seem to pour out whether or not he wants them to. “I was just upset because I care. And I was worried I would lose you. That the Bookmen would do something and you wouldn’t come back.” Kanda stops to consider his next words before he gets himself into something worse than he already has. “I know you needed the closure. Not just wanted, but actually needed to be sure no one was coming after you or me or whatever.”

They look at each other a moment before Lavi finally intervenes. “I’m not looking for an apology, Yuu. I should probably be apologizing.” 

“But you were being responsible. And I didn’t see it because I didn’t think you were capable of being responsible.” Kanda pushes his hair behind his ear as a way to fidget without looking like he’s fidgeting, yet it only serves to make him feel more like a shaky, lovesick wreck than before. He whispers his next words, because they might just be the most embarrassing thing he’s ever said. “Then I realized the idea of you being responsible was extremely attractive. And I, look it’s just been bad, and I still love you, okay?”

Lavi chuckles and smiles that same soft smile Kanda remembers him for. “Yeah, it’s been awful and I also still love you. So there.”

Kanda looks up at the sky the same moment a raindrop hits his nose and makes him blink. “It’s raining. Let’s go inside.”

“Wait, don’t feel like you have to invite me in just because of all that, I can go stay somewhere else.” Taking a step back, he continues, “You don’t have to just forgive me. We can take this slow; we have all the time in the world now.”

“Get inside, idiot, before it starts raining too hard and you track a bunch of mud onto my floor.” When Kanda looks back at Lavi, he sees a few quiet tears fall from his eyes in that same happy way from years ago. This time, Kanda feels a tear or two fall from his own eyes, too.


End file.
